Just. Jealous. Love.

"You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about His relationship with you."

-Exodus 34:14 NLT

Sitting there in my bible study, my community of women, lovers of Jesus through and through, vulnerable, beautiful hearts,

and feeling just like some kind of heathen. 

As our teacher dug into that verse, the soul wondered, beat itself relentlessly,

"Why don't you feel more moved by this?

"The spark of this notion should ignite a fire, burning passion that squeezes tears out of tear ducts and a trembling of raw truth realized, falling to the ground, hitting knees."

"What's wrong with you?"

  

Rather than focusing on the jealousy of an endlessly gracious God,

I focus on,

well,

me.

How that realization stung. 

The realization that I was turning the greatest truth, 

that this jealous God, the one who could have nothing to do with me, 

who does not need me in any way, who knows I am smaller than a speck, more insignificant than a blade of grass, 

a sinner who continuously fails to reciprocate His great love,

in my sin a spiritual adulteress who is easily distracted by lies and diets and shiny appearances and some husband-man's supposed ability to make me complete and some achievements to keep me going and all the expectations of the world to obsess over

yet this God, He loves me madly anyways,

And I was turning that greatest truth into something I must earn, hold myself back from, another tool to condemn with.

How this love is something I shouldn't relish in,

just like the voice of that powerless disorder when it was the boisterous condemner as I stood before an ice cream stand, deep in bondage with it.

Just like that.

What a lie to believe, that I would turn a remarkable love like this into another tool to relentlessly beat myself silly with, whipping the spirit with expectations and conditions.

And there it hit me: God knew I would react this way to His unconditional love.

He knew I would twist it to a focus on myself rather than accept His sweetness, His grace.

On the cross, there, oh did He know.

Yet He said after hurt upon hurt,

as He modeled this story in Hosea after His love for the church, for the sinner, for me,

"So I am going to take her into the desert again;

there I will win her back with words of love.

I will give back to her vineyards she had and make Trouble Valley a door of hope...

and she will no longer call me her Baal."

-Hosea 2:14-15,17

So maybe He just wants my overwhelming joy when so often I feel like I should be shot down with tears and unworthy.

Maybe He is opening the doors of utter joy in Him, and He begs me, rescues me, runs across the threshold for me to enter into the love of Mighty to Save. 

Maybe He is longing for me to stop turning His love into another condemning liar, and to just take it, drink it in, swallow it up for what it truly is: unsearchable, inconceivable, delightful, satisfying love.

And realizing this freedom to live in this extravagant, nonsensical, scandalous love,

right then and there,

the contentment I'd been hunting for,

swinging from one single's ministry cliche to another to find some worth,

my heavenly Husband reminded me of our betrothal,

and I was sold out to His love,

right then and there.

No shame in indulging in this love,

no fear,

and for the hundredth time of preaching it to myself,

NO CONDEMNATION!

Just.

Jealous.

Love. 

The romance I'd been looking for in wedding shows and Nicholas Sparks movies,

it's even better once you let go and just know it,

know it where it's real,

that it's in Jesus Christ, and there's nothing holding that love back,

nothing to condemn us for utterly enjoying it,

because it glorifies Him,

and there's nothing better than this love,

and it continues crazy like this,

forevermore. 

Just.

Jealous.

Love.