After such an amazing experience having Ana as my nurse, I was disheartened to wake up in the morning and see that she had left and her shift was over, before I even had a chance to tell her how great God's work was in her, and to just say thank you.
It was a Sunday morning, and feeling renewed in Jesus from the night before, I immediately reached for my Bible resting on the bedside table, finding the napkin Ana had written down verses on for me to read.
Before I got a chance to read a single word in my Bible, the nurses brought in breakfast, and that sickening familiar feeling of fear and despair rose up again in my stomach, making its way up to my heart and mind, and as was ritual with every meal, I began to weep.
"May I read your Bible?"
These were the first words I heard from Angela, the nurse who had taken over for Ana. She was in her mid-thirties with fiery red-dyed hair, tattoos creeping up her neck from beneath her tinkerbell patterned scrubs, and a wealth of glitter from her hoop earrings, bracelets and necklace. She smiled at me and asked again, "I am a Christian too, so I'm kinda bummed I'm missing church this week. Can I read your Bible?"
"Sure," I answered between sobs.
She picked up and flipped to Isaiah 54, saying, "Honey, I was not always a Christian, but when I became one, this chapter became my favorite." I looked at her curiously, begging her silently to tell me her testimony, and as if she heard my unsaid request, she explained how she had been part of a very sinful lifestyle in her youth, married and had children at a young age with a man who was oppressive and stifled her spirit and belief in God. When she mustered up the strength and courage to leave him, she feared that God would not want her; she described her shame as feeling physically filthy before the Lord.
Those words resonated with my heart and soul's feeling of shame before God, after not listening or speaking to Him for so long. But then she read to me, inserting my name and speaking with a passion in her voice that told the story of her salvation, how joyful she was at his redeeming of her soul:
"[Rachel], you have been like a childless woman, but now you can sing and shout for joy!"
"Do not be afraid, [Rachel],-- you will not be disgraced again; you will not be humiliated. You will forget your unfaithfulness as a young wife and your desperate loneliness as a widow."
"Your Creator will be like a husband to you-- the Lord Almighty is his name."
"The holy God of Israel will save you, [Rachel], he is the ruler of all the world."
"The mountains and hills may crumble, but my love for you, [Rachel], will never end; I will keep forever my promise of peace, so says the Lord who loves you."
My fears washed away once again with the powerful crashing wave of those words as they took residence on my heart. No matter what weight I gained from my recovery or by the food I ate, no matter what I had to do to get better, I would not be disgraced or humiliated. I feared that no man would want me after I gained back that weight, that I would be ugly forever. How wrong I was:
I would only be loved by the greatest and most loving man to ever walk the earth: Jesus Christ who saves!!
After I finished my breakfast and watched Joel Osteen's Sunday TV show with Angela, I popped on my Pandora radio station and began the endless chemistry homework I had accumulated from missing so much school. "Jesus Take the Wheel," by Carrie Underwood started to play, and Angela hopped up dramatically from her chair, gushing, "I LOVE this song!!" She began to sing, and twirl about the room. Being an avid country fan myself, I could not help but join her.
We enjoyed our last moments together basking in the glory of the impromptu party God had thrown us when that song came on, even replaying it so we could sing again, waving our arms, tossing our heads up toward our Father, letting Him hear our goofy voices lifting up a beautiful message.
God reminded me He was there, and would be there continually. For I will not be humiliated as my body changes, out of my control. But Jesus has the wheel of this crazy vehicle we call life, even when I lose my grip.
I will only be loved, plain and simple.
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