The Tragedy of Being Type A

Those days,
when feet hit the floor and you barely get a chance to yawn before you're panting, running, rushing through the to-do's and deadlines like it's what keeps me breathing.

All the while the One who does keep me breathing longs for me to pause, just to stop and be in His presence, to know that I don't have to try so hard, don't have to rush so madly, live like it's all up to me.



My Wednesday was riding on one thing: everything to go according to schedule, perfectly, accomplishing every task on my ridiculously long to-do list.

One thing after another checked off, just what my Type A self would have done a victory dance for, yet the anxiety was still rising, the unrest seemed to escalate as the productive hours wore on.

This isn't how it is supposed to be!

Homework assignments finished. Appointments made on time. Tests taken.

And still the starving soul wonders why it isn't filled.

It's because really, the big secret was, that perfect to-do list for a perfect day was quite the opposite.

 It was failure. 

It was failure because my time with God was a check on the to-do list and not a longing, a thirst, a meaningful moment to be filled.

No,God turned into one of my accomplishments, an assignment, an appointment,

because the beckoning of that ticking idol called time and the allure of that shiny idol called achievement were just too shiny.

 

The truth is, a productive day is not one where I am able to pick up my prescription from Wal-Mart, drop off a recommendation letter on time, finish my study guide, ace my test, and make my Bible study on time.

No, the truth is, a productive day is what the Lord produces in a heart longing for His intimacy, His guidance, His grace, humbled to know that my little game of productivity will go to the grave with this decaying body and this rotting material world.

And in the loss of my identity as an achiever, a to-do list conqueror, the one who works so hard to polish that facade of having it all together,

when my mission is just to approach the throne of my Maker, why, only grace, there is only mercy, just when I need it,
in His perfect saving time, and that is the greatest accomplishment of all.